TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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longing Things should be different. Things should be just the way they are. I should be working. - There was something I realised, some idea I had, that I was going to write about here, but I think I've forgotten it. I think it was something to do with... something. I think something to do with style. I don't know. Yeah, that was it, style. - Because it's like, everyone has a style, yeah? People fit into sort of category-ish thingies. And that's how you know what sort of person they are. But for me, I find, having any particular style is not easy. It doesn't come naturally. It's work. For example, in some ways I'm a slob. And in others, I'm sort of fey and poetic and whatnot. And in others I'm crass. I'm considerate and sociable. I hate social situations. I'm a peacemaker, I create conflict out of nothing. - See, normally someone saying all this kind of thing is probably angling to say something like, "I'm unique, because I don't fit any of the categories". It's like, a way of securing an identity for yourself. But that's a kind of style, too... I think I want to have some sort of identifiable style, so I can know how to... how to... I think I want to have some sort of awareness of how other people see me. I think I'm not bad looking, but I saw a photo of myself that someone sent me today and I looked *ugly*. Ugly and awkward and kind of... pained. Like I was supposed to be happy and was trying to be jolly and whatnot but obviously wasn't really into the role. Argh. - See, if there was some definition of people like me, then I could at least have some basic template of where I fit in, where I make sense, what other people think of me, who will like me and who will hate me. I try to force myself into roles, into some kind of place in the world where I will make sense, but it's too much hard work and it feels so unnatural... I want to feel natural. That's what I want. There's something to be said for that song, you know the one by Carole King, "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman". I think there's really something in that line. It's like she's saying, up until now I never knew who I was or what I was meant to be, what my life was for. But now I know where I belong - now it all makes sense. I'm happy to be a woman - to be the person I've always been - because now I know how it all fits together. I love Carole King. - "Take this longing from my tongue Whatever useless things I might have done" - Leonard Cohen |
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