TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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for those who come in late... ...I've had a request from the lovely Eve Momeve to talk about my, uh, boy-guilt. So. I'm going to do so, but, for long-time readers this will really just be a reprise of things I've said before. - So, let me begin by saying that I've always wanted to be a "good" person, whatever that might mean. I have a very strong fear of being in the wrong, I guess. Um. So, yeah, I work hard when I'm working for someone else, I'm polite and considerate and thoughtful and all of that stuff. So, uh, in relationships this tends to translate into me being "the perfect boyfriend"... at least to begin with. I put the needs of my partner first, I do what she wants to do, I'm patient, considerate, helpful, generous, happy to spend as much time with her as she wants, don't ask for anything in return... and what's more, I'm happy being like this. I mean, generally in the past I've just been so happy to have a girlfriend at all that I've been completely untroubled by the negative side of subordinating my needs to hers, because... at first it doesn't seem like there's a bad side. - Ok, this obviously has limits, though, because you can't live you life like this. So. My limit is about three months. After three months, for whatever reason it might be, in whatever form it might take, I stop wanting to be in the relationship. This doesn't always mean I break it off straight away. Because... I guess the same submissiveness or guiltiness or whatever it is that make me such a natural subordinate in the first part of the relationship means that I then can't say that I want to break it off in the latter part. So... the results of this vary. With my first serious girlfriend, I told her at about the four-month mark that I didn't want to go out with her anymore. We were both still teenagers and it didn't really matter that much... she cried a lot, though, I felt very guilty. The next serious girlfriend broke it off with me after about three months, which I was very grateful for. And the last one, the third and final serious girlfriend... we were together for about two years. It was a very unhappy time in my life. I still feel guilty about having broken it off with her... about, what, three years later? It's madness, I know, but I still feel it. It's faded a lot since then, I mean, this guilt is a pale shadow of the guilt I felt then. But I think it still gets in the way of me seriously pursuing new relationships. Because I think, well, I'm just going to end up doing the same thing over again, aren't I? - And the thing is... I mean, I don't think I'm a monster or a jerk or anything like that. But I know I'm very likely to act like a jerk if I'm in any new relationship, so... yeah, the guilt, it rules my life. :( - I do kind of hold out some hope, though, that, given the right person, and if I've matured enough, maybe this pattern is breakable. I hope so, because I don't want to grow old and die alone. I guess... I should remind myself that having lots of failed relationships is normal in this day and age, and, well, people get hurt in failed relationships and that's normal too. I don't know. Um. - Well, I hope I've answered your question, Miss Eve. Feel free to add any supplementary questions you might have, I'd be happy to answer. :) - "It's the time of the season" - The Zombies |
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