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sorry for
2002-05-11 - 11:12 p.m.

I'm worrying about my little brother. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago, but I didn't realise. I feel sad for him. Sad that he's spending so much time, getting over high school, getting over being pushed too hard... I want him to be happy. I love my brother. It hurts me to think of him being unhappy. I say to myself, he's no more unhappy than you are - and I think, yes, but that's my lot. And I find ways, I find things that make me smile, make me feel good, make me glad to be alive. I've got enough. But I wouldn't know if he has enough or not, I wouldn't know if he was sitting bleeding to death in his room right now. I wouldn't know. I can't bear to think of him unhappy. Everyone is unhappy. Why has this all started in on me tonight? I dont know. I was watching crap on TV and he came in and then the show ended and I walked out... and suddenly I felt that I shouldn't have left, that I should have stayed and talked to him, but it was too late. He smokes marijuana all the time. I did that for a while, but then I'd had enough so I stopped. We used to all watch Star Trek together, the three of us. The four of us, even, when my big sister was here. I miss her. I hope she manages to write her book. She's so, so strong and so insecure at the same time. I love my big sister, too. Loving people hurts. You don't get to choose whether or not you love them. But, then, it's also the only thing that makes life worth living, isn't it?


"Acting out his folly

While his back is being whipped" - Bob Dylan

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