New - Archives - Profile - Notes - Email - Design - Diaryland

2002-06-02 - 1:55 a.m.

I spent half the day today setting up a clothesline in my room. Buying the line, getting hooks, drilling holes, measuring out and tying knots. It all takes a lot longer to do than to describe. Maybe not half the day, but a good part of it. And now it's 2 in the morning and the day's over and this is all I've done; my writing (badly), the clothesline, a new guitar riff learned (sort of), and a film watched. What happenned to the day? Is this all there is to my life? When I sat down at the computer just now, I suddenly realised I hadn't emailed my writing to my supervisor, because my brother was on the computer when I came up this morning. I saw the disk sitting there and I felt sick. I feel sick now, just thinking how stupid and pointless are the things I devote the better part of my day to. It's a fucking saturday night! I miss the time when I could get drunk and let it out. Now drinking does nothing for me.


No, forget it. I won't get maudlin and self-pitying. I'm depressed because I didn't go cycling today. I need to cycle every day, for my mental health; it's important. And I usually enjoy it, mostly, once I've started. But today it was too easy to find excuses not to do it.


It's so difficult not to slide over into self-pity or self-mortification. I'm trying to break myself of the habit; but in doing so I realise the habit is deeply, deeply ingrained. Well, it's just going to have to get un-ingrained!


"I broke all the rules

Strafed my old high school" - Bruce Springsteen

Previous / Next