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I wanted to go up to Katoomba this weekend, look for places, but my friends up there weren't answering the phone.
I don't know whether I'm depressed or not. Isn't that strange? Am I so alienated from my own emotions that I can't even tell what they are, let alone feel them? I have been doing many of the things that I do when I'm depressed - staying up very late, playing computer games, looking at pornography, finding excuses not to do things, watching stupid tv, et cetera, but I don't actually... it's like I've got all the symptoms but the illness itself hasn't arrived yet. I'm not sure I even know what depression is anymore.
Maybe the problem is that the writing allows me to convince myself that I'm 'doing' something, so I don't feel properly worthless, the way I do when I'm really depressed, and so I'm not familiar with the way this feels. A different kind of depression.
Or maybe I'm just lonely. See, that's an emotion. I can feel that, act on that. Loneliness is not depression; in a funny way, it's actually a path out of it, because there's a way you can respond to loneliness. It allows you to be weak.
"Linda will you let me be the one?" - Bruce Springsteen
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