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I won't go into details, but I have been hurt by something, by someone. And I've been thinking about forgiveness. Because, I believe in principle, of course, that when someone injures you, you should forgive them. But it's so hard! I can't... I can't let it go. I keep thinking about what happenned, what was said, and it cuts me... I run over it in my memory the way you run your tongue over a sore tooth, just checking to see if it still does... it's become compulsive, involuntary. What does it take to let go? And I wonder, who am I trying to forgive? Is it the person who injured me? Or is it myself, for being so weak as to be hurt by what they did? And if it's me that needs forgiveness, who can be holding back from giving it to me?
I'm reminded of the beginning of the story of Jonah. God asks Jonah to go to a city of sinners and tell them to straighten up, and Jonah says, no, I don't want to - I want them to keep on being bad so that you will punish them. So Jonah would rather be punished himself than try to rescue another from punishment - is this the nature of blocked forgiveness?
"If I have been unkind
I hope you can just let it go by" - Leonard Cohen
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