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what is happening?
2002-07-02 - 11:55 p.m.

Things I've been letting slip for a while now:

This diary


Guitar & Singing

My social life

Things I've been making progress in:


Maybe I've made a little progress in my writing. But maybe not. I think maybe I took more of a knock than I realised. I wish I could talk to someone about it. Maybe I could talk to my ex. I've been very twitchy lately, I've noticed myself getting resentful at the other people who live here over little things. I try to tell myself that I'm successful but I always see myself in the worst light... I always see the negatives. I want to feel like I'm part of a community. What if someone invited me to join a cult tomorrow? Would I say no? Probably. I don't even know what I am, what I'm for, what I do, where these thoughts come from... it's easy to sneer, to figure out ways of being better than others, but it's hollow. Being worse is hollow, too. What makes life is connections, connections with other people... I wonder if the fact that I'm so cut off from my parens has something to do with me being so cut off from the other people around me?


It's hard to give up on fantasies of redemption. "Once X happens, everything will be different, it will all be Ok..." It used to be, once I get a girlfriend, I won't be lonely anymore, it'll be alright. But, I got a girlfriend, someone who really was devoted to me, and I found it so suffocating I had to leave. There are always new fantasies to indulge in, but I can't really take them seriously. "Once I'm rich..." "Once I become an academic success..." "Once I'm a musician..." and then you live happily ever after. It was funny, I saw the first episode of "The Osbournes" today. I don't think I'll be a regular viewer, but... well, he had about as much success as a person could get, didn't he? But, he's still living, day by day, still having to cope with being human. I found him very likeable, actually, because you could tell he'd been a rock star a long, long time, and was more or less over it.


I think maybe my fantasy now has become, instead of, "Once I have a girlfriend...", "Once I become better adjusted and am the sort of person who will be able to deal with having a girlfriend..." - so it's a different fantasy but it's still not really based in reality. You don't get to choose the sort of person you are, no matter what the self-help pulp says. This is it! I have this body, this mind, this history, this life and no other. I can live it or I can dream about living elsewhere.


But part of what sustains living here is fantasies of elsewhere, isn't it? I imagined a few months ago that daily cycling would mean the end of my incipient paunch. But three months later, or maybe even four, it seems pretty much unchanged. I think that might have made me despair a little, hence the 7 rides a week becoming about 2. But... what can I do? Should I just admit that this is what I've got, it happens to everyone, I'm just getting older, and deal? Or should I fight all the harder to try to get rid of it? I say I've got better things to do with my life, but what am I actually doing?


This is getting too long. I'll probably lose it.


"Oh blue angel

Have no fear" - Roy Orbison

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