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who is?
2003-01-04 - 11:08 p.m.

Have I talked about this before?


A friend of mine says that every relationship boils down into one long game of "Who's the fuckwit?"


Basically, the way this game is played is that you make the other person feel like everything that is wrong with the relationship and your life is their fault. This makes them feel bad, and so they think of a way to make it seem that everything is your fault. Which makes you feel bad, and so... and so on. See, "who's the fuckwit?" It's just like tennis. Now I'm the fuckwit, now you are, now I am again...


There's someone I've talked about before, this guy I knew from school, and he is basically someone who used to be a friend but isn't anymore because he's just unbearable to be around, anyway, he's a very lonely and unhappy person and he wants people to spend time with him. Me especially. I do not want to spend time with him. I hate it. But the thing is, as soon as he's able to make contact with me, speak to me, he's fucking brilliant at playing "who's the fuckwit?" because I always end up feeling that it's *me* that's a fuckwit for not wanting to spend time with him. It's not him, it's not his fault for foisting himself on me despite the total lack of mutuality in this arrangement...


...but you see, of course, as soon he's gone I try to redeem myself from this disgusting feeling of being a disgusting person by making out that it's all *him*, and that's how the game is played. It doesn't matter who the bad guy is at any moment in time; so long as you're playing the game, you're living in hell. The only way out is to stop the game. Usually the way I stop this sort of game is to just avoid the people who make me feel this way. I end up avoiding a lot of people, which may be why I spend so much time alone. But the thing about this guy is that he's absolutely relentless and incapable of taking a hint. And of course, it's only natural, because he's very very lonely and very very unhappy. The thing is, in this case I think the only way to end the game is to actually *be* nasty to him. But it's so hard, it's so hard for me because of course... see, this is what he relies on. This is why I am an especial target for him, because I am a nice, easygoing, sweet-natured, gentle and polite person; in short, I am weak. It's so hard for me to actually say to him what I want to say, which is, "Z, I don't like you, the friendship is over, it has been over for years, there is no salvaging it now, don't call again." He's a smart guy and he must know that that's how I feel by now. But he's going to keep pushing me until I actually say it. Once I've said it, see, then I really am a fuckwit.


"Walk on

Don't look back, don't ask questions

Don't you try to understand" - John Hiatt

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