TITHONUS' DIARY!!


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tired
2003-01-23 - 1:06 a.m.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

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Nah, I'm kidding.

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Anyway, in the last entry I was saying some stuff about why we like and dislike people and somebody complained that I was being cynical. So, uh, here's my explanation of the non-cynicalness of my remarks:

Um. Yeah. I should probably mention I'm not feeling terribly coherent right now. It's, uh, late again. Anyway, basically I've been thinking with obsessive guilt feelings about Z, that guy I mention from time to time, who I hate. Meh, that's not quite right - I hate having to deal with him. Anyway, it occurred to me, kind of in the line of thinking about that unpleasant stuff, that there's... that it's not him that I hate. It's not the way he looks or the things he says, it's not that he's lazy or stupid or nasty... I mean, he's not perfect, but he's not a bad person, in the end. But I *absolutely can't stand him*, and I thought, well, the reason why I can't stand him is because when I'm around him I feel like I am the meanest, nastiest piece of shit around. Because all he wants is a little acknowledgement, a little recognition, a little bit of my time, and I'm just too bloody selfish to give him what he wants. So I feel so awful about myself that it makes me hate him.

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But the thing is... see, this is actually quite a positive realisation, because it helps me to see... that people who've disliked me didn't actually dislike *me* at all. They disliked the way I made them feel about themselves. For example, I have a wonderful talent for making people feel stupid. I don't mean to do it, I honestly don't, but nonetheless it happens. So if I make you feel stupid, what does that make you think of me?

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But the other thing I wanted to mention is that the alternative that I set this against isn't a nice picture of people either. Imagine if we really *did* evaluate people according to their merits, and preferred them accordingly. The fear of being judged is bad enough as it is; imagine if what we feared was actually *happenning*.

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And then of course... there's the fact that I'm wrong. :)

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No, what I mean by that is that... some people are in my life forever and that's just kind of... that's just the way it is, and why it's those people and not other people, well, I think it's just a mystery.

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Um. Right, off to bed then.

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"With one hand waving free

Silhouetted by the sea" - Bob Dylan


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