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So, I just interviewed fides and I wanted to say, it's really a great pleasure to interview someone so intelligent, thoughtful and articulate. So, thankyou!
And in other news, here's a kind of dark-secrets thought that's been brewing in my mind for a few weeks. Um.
Ok, so you know how according to Freud our basic relationship-pattern is set by our relations with our parents in early childhood? So, anyway, thinking about this it occurred to me that maybe what is going on in my relationships is that I'm replaying a conflict with my mother... which is to say, I'm looking for a mother substitute, because my own mother gave me so little as a boy. But then, when I find a mother-substitute, I start to feel stifled, even disgusted, by the feeling of warmth and envelopment... I feel suffocated, like I'm disappearing into the relationship, like I'm going to be smothered, I'm going to lose my self-identity... and so I "rebel", in sort of the same way I rebelled against my parents back then.
Yeah, see that's the thing. I think part of what I'm trying to do is fill that gap that was left by not being nurtured... but the moment I sense someone "mothering" me I feel disgusted... disgusted with myself? And so I start thinking, I don't need you, I don't need anyone, I can be totally independent... but then when I'm alone there's always that void.
This kind of rings true although I think there's still something missing from it... I'm not sure exactly what. Hm.
"On a Sunday morning sidewalk
I'm wishing Lord that I was stoned" - Kris Kristoffersen
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