TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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suddenly ** - There they are again. :) - Suddenly I have this feeling of resignation that tells me it's not going to happen. I don't know where it came from, but suddenly I just know. I'm OK with it. But I know it's not going to happen. - We all end up getting the kind of life we need to live, in order to become the kind of person we need to be. That's what I think. Sometimes. Sometimes I think I've read so much stuff that there's no point trying to explain what I think to anyone else, because I'm going to have to reference eight or ten vitally important books in order to get my point across. I hate it when I want to reference books in conversation. I can't, I'm too embarrassed to actually mention them, mostly, because I think I'm going to end up sounding like the jerk in the bar in "Good Will Hunting", near the beginning. You know the guy I mean. See, there's no shame in referencing movies. But books... books are a barrier. Mostly when you ask someone if they've read a particular book, what they hear is not a question but a statement: you're not smart enough to discuss this with me. I don't mean it that way, I really don't. I really am a very nice and humble and gentle soul, and for the most part my sublimated aggression doesn't come out in conversation. - I keep thinking, "I have quality X, because of quality X I'll never be able to have a successful relationship". THe quality itself changes - it's my age, my intelligence, my interests, my physique, my ideals, my lack of ambition, my shyness... the thing is, for whoever it is, in the end, that I end up with, all those qualities will seem to be exactly what they should be. That's what I'm hoping, anyway. Everyone's different. Everyone likes different things. Mostly I think we don't even really know what we like or why we like it. I think most of those lists over at girlboy are wrong, because people think that they know what they want, but they don't. They think that it's a matter of figuring out in advance what qualities you want in a partner, and then matching people to your list. But it's not like that. That way lies disaster... - I'm living the kind of life I need to live in order to learn the next lesson I need to learn. I haven't learned it yet, or I would be living a different sort of life, and learning a different sort of lesson. I think it might be something to do with the meaning of the word "enough". That's a hard word. - Dear God, please help me to be the kind of person you want me to be. Please help me. I can't manage alone. - R.D. Laing says, most often when people suffer from "mental illness", it's not an illness that they need to be cured of, a problem that needs to be solved... it's something they need to go through. Bateson says we're all part of metasystems. There's such a narrow, subtle difference between the insights of the best philosophers, and the ramblings of madmen. I think I am a smaller part of a metasystem, and that I am undergoing a correction, an alteration, which it is systemically necessary for me to go through. I am not an island. I am scared to say these things because they seem mad. - You know what? I think I am going to be lonely for a long, long time. I am too good at coping with it. I think people who can't cope with loneliness don't get burdened with it. If I wasn't able to cope with loneliness, I would have gone back to my ex long ago. It's because I feel... I feel worse in a bad relationship than in no relationship. But for most people it's not like that. It's not that they're "needy" or "more dependant" or any such thing; it's just that they feel differently to me. It's not a matter of choice, for me, to be the way I am. I just am this way. It's not a matter of being selective, anymore than a ball is being selective when it decides to roll downhill rather than up. - I need to get my bicycle repaired. Exercise is important. It's shocking, just how much that helps, the cycling. - There's something Kierkegaard says about pleasure. He says, most people pursue pleasure at such a rapid rate that they rush right past it without realising it. There's a lot in that. So much rushing... so much dutiful rushing, what's worse. There's no consciousness of death in our society... I think that's a terrible flaw. We live as though our lives were projects of infinite duration, as though our task was to keep building frantically up, up, higher, better, stronger, faster, bigger, sharper... no sense of what the word "enough" means. But it's a hard word, very hard. Um. - "I was just thirty-four years old And I was still wandering in a haze Wondering why everyone I met Seemed to be lost in a maze" - Pete Townshend |
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