TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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in answer... ** - "p.s. i have a question for you (i read your latest entries backwards!): there is a lot in your diary about how you're worried that this new girl (who, btw, is not probably not good enough for you ;), but nothing about why YOU like HER. do you? what about her makes you smile? what makes you curious? what REAAAALLLLY attracts women is realizing that the guy not only RECOGNIZES key parts of her character... the quirky little things that most people don't notice... but REALLY LIKES THEM. if she believes that the only things making her attractive to you are 1) her willingness to go on a date with you and 2) her XX chromosomes, she's going to feel as though you are just as chancy as the next guy. so. i'm not saying you should publish a list of qualities that you find attractive about her... " - This is a good question, from my lovely friend elipsis, and I thought I'd take a little time to try to answer it. - I'm not sure how to answer it though. The "new girl" (let's just call her Carla, for convenience's sake) is, um... I know virtually nothing about her. But at the same time I feel like I know a great deal. But I probably haven't noticed anything about her that other people wouldn't have noticed. She's very kind. I think she's not quite sure what to make of me. When I look into her eyes I feel strange, something I don't quite know how to describe. It's like the feeling you might get looking on a huge, wild, landscape. It seems like it's too big, too big to exist in the world, and you feel small and overwhelmed and yet at the same time reminded that this is home, this is where we've come from. - But that's just poetic nonsense, isn't it? See, it seems like there is something tremendously wild about her, but it's far below the surface... in conversation she's very proper, polite, interested and civilized... that doesn't quite do her justice either. - Argh, see, the weird thing is that on the one hand I feel like I know nothing at all about her. In so far as quirks go, idiosyncracies, preferences... she hates pigeons. She has a deep and abiding hatred of pigeons. Um. And she's a fencer, partly because she believes she belongs in another era... she sees herself as a sort of swashbuckling pirate, I think. I can see her as that, too. - But surely everyone can see that much of her! Um. The thing, the thing that really attracts me to her very strongly is just this instinct that I have about the kind of person she is. I don't think I've managed to have more than a few minutes of truly relaxed conversation with her at any time, because so far I've been a little tense around her (bad... but what can I do? It'll go away in time) but nonetheless I believe I know that when we finally do relax around each other, she will be one of my favourite people to spend idle time with, just chatting, talking about nothing. Nothingness. - See, I think that's why I can't describe what I like so much about her, because it's not a somethingness that I like, it's not a quality or a quirk or a characteristic that I can identify and say, ah ha! THIS is IT! It's the quality of the nothing... the quality of the emptiness in her pupils, the character of her silence, the mood of her stillness. When I write it down like this, it sounds like nonsense, like me trying to write something clever or romantic or poetic and thereby show off about myself, say something about me and how subtle and smart I am to notice these things... but that's not it. Really. I think you'd have to meet her to get what I'm saying. Maybe. - And then there's lust, of course. There's definitely lust. - "Don't take the evening train" - Fred Eaglesmith |
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