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Things should be different. Things should be just the way they are. I should be working.
There was something I realised, some idea I had, that I was going to write about here, but I think I've forgotten it. I think it was something to do with... something. I think something to do with style. I don't know. Yeah, that was it, style.
Because it's like, everyone has a style, yeah? People fit into sort of category-ish thingies. And that's how you know what sort of person they are. But for me, I find, having any particular style is not easy. It doesn't come naturally. It's work. For example, in some ways I'm a slob. And in others, I'm sort of fey and poetic and whatnot. And in others I'm crass. I'm considerate and sociable. I hate social situations. I'm a peacemaker, I create conflict out of nothing.
See, normally someone saying all this kind of thing is probably angling to say something like, "I'm unique, because I don't fit any of the categories". It's like, a way of securing an identity for yourself. But that's a kind of style, too... I think I want to have some sort of identifiable style, so I can know how to... how to... I think I want to have some sort of awareness of how other people see me. I think I'm not bad looking, but I saw a photo of myself that someone sent me today and I looked *ugly*. Ugly and awkward and kind of... pained. Like I was supposed to be happy and was trying to be jolly and whatnot but obviously wasn't really into the role. Argh.
See, if there was some definition of people like me, then I could at least have some basic template of where I fit in, where I make sense, what other people think of me, who will like me and who will hate me. I try to force myself into roles, into some kind of place in the world where I will make sense, but it's too much hard work and it feels so unnatural... I want to feel natural. That's what I want. There's something to be said for that song, you know the one by Carole King, "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman". I think there's really something in that line. It's like she's saying, up until now I never knew who I was or what I was meant to be, what my life was for. But now I know where I belong - now it all makes sense. I'm happy to be a woman - to be the person I've always been - because now I know how it all fits together. I love Carole King.
"Take this longing from my tongue
Whatever useless things I might have done" - Leonard Cohen
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