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love me
2003-11-19 - 12:32 a.m.

Urgh. I feel weird. My best friend is going to Japan for three months. Three months. That's a long time. I'm going to be lonely. I am lonely.


The thing I wanted to say the other day was about depression. I was going to say, that word, "depression", is about depth. And the process of going through depression is a process of deepening, gaining depth as a person. I don't believe it's a pathology. I think it's part of life.


And, see, this supposed wave of depression that we're experiencing in the west... it's not a wave or an epidemic, it's not a new phenomenon... it's the pathologising of our humanity. See, I don't want to glory in depression and say it's a wonderful miracle and we should all revel in how depressed we are - I think I've had enough depression, myself. But I think it's normal, it's part of living, and a person who's never been depressed is actually... unfinished, you know, like, there's something absent from their development. And the reason we've pathologised depression is because... well, I think it's a symptom of the fact that we are in some ways becoming a shallow culture. You know, everything has become so fast, so rapidly-changing, that we've lost a sense of the deep roots... the deep roots that our lives need. So, people find themselves searching for deep roots, for depth, they search within themselves for some anchor, something that will give them some certainty in this mad world... and they become depressed. It's not an illness. The body knows what it's doing. The soul knows what it's doing. Don't try to "fix" it... why do we assume it's a problem? Why do we think we know it's a pathology?


Ok, so that was my "deep" thought about depression. Hm. In other news, a man asked me to move out of his way on the bus today, and I was so angry at him that I was *twitching* with rage. My teeth were clenched and my face was doing this thing... my lip curled and the side of my nose was twitching... I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me. It wasn't just that he asked me to move. He was really rude about it - he was a jerk. He was a miserable piece of filth who felt he was entitled to take up more space than anyone else on a crowded bus... but still, there is something wrong with me. I think I am sitting on a powder keg of repressed rage. I was giving him death stares and I swear, if he'd said one more word to me I would've gone for him... this is not like me. At least, this is not like the me that I know. I abhor conflict of any sort, I hate violence... but this anger, it was so strong... just some arsehole on the bus. The world is full of arseholes. I hate the bus. There's always some selfish prick... sitting on the outside seat so that they can have two seats to themselves while people standing in the aisle can hardly breathe because it's so crowded... I get self righteous. It's better on the bike. It's more work but I don't have to think about people most of the time... I can be considerate and I don't have to worry about other people being inconsiderate. I am sitting on a powder keg of repressed rage. There is no one I can talk to about this. I should take it seriously... I'm still angry now, just thinking about it. Where is this anger coming from? I don't know. I guess part of it could be me restraining my anger at my brother's gf... part of it could be stress of so much work over the last two weeks. There has to be something I can do with this anger other than just denying it.


"You seem as far away and as sad to me

As those rainclouds up above" - Dan Bern

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