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2003-12-08 - 8:55 p.m.

I hate any sort of conflict. I hate feeling angry. I hate feeling out of control. I always feel as if I've done the wrong thing. I feel like it's my responsibility to stay calm, to stay in control, to smooth things over, so that nothing will go wrong, no damage will be done, no violence... but maybe I am doing a violence to myself in never letting myself get angry. Anger is part of what we are, a necessary part. Anything that gets denied comes back again in some other form, more powerful than before. I need my anger. I never would have broken off with my ex, never would have gotten out of that awful situation, without the help of my anger.


But I jost lost my temper with someone that I probably shouldn't have, and now I feel terrible about it. I feel guilty. I hate losing control. I am a human being. I guess that's the difference between helping friends and professional helping relationships; when your friends lash out at you, it hurts, and you get angry, where if it's someone you're helping because it's your job then you're detached, so it doesn't matter. You're not implicated, it's easy to be understanding.


"All the bridges are burning that we tried to cross

And I feel so close to everything that we've lost" - Leonard Cohen

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