TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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silent night Everyone at dland seems to be away from their computer, spending quality time with their families... christmas stuff, I guess. - I decided a couple of weeks ago that it wasn't worth the trouble of giving people christmas presents this year. Then today I was playing with my sister (have I talked about this before? We both play guitar, she also plays bass, cello and piano, we both sing... if you'd like to hear me sing just say hi on MSN and I'll send an MP3... :) anyway, this is quite a regular occurrence, we sit around playing guitar and singing together... it's fun and it's good practice... my natural talent dictates that I should be an abysmal singer, but I'm hoping through hard work and training to become average :) and I was feeling happy and I thought, fuck it. I've got money in the bank, I've got time to kill today, why not just run into the city and buy a couple of things? Probably none of them will have gotten me anything, but who cares? It's christmas, you know, the time of year when all the sentimentality and stuff that you've been shamefully hiding under a cool exterior all year is allowed to come out and frolic a bit. Not too much, mind; everything has limits. So, anyway, I surrendered to the Christmas demons and got presents for people. - Yesterday I succumbed to the urge to play computer games again. I'm on holidays now, you see, and not having any specific work to do... it felt like the right time. But then, at the end of the day, I felt angry at myself for giving in. It's not the loss of time I resent; after all, I'd have lost it whatever I did. It's the soullessness of it all. Time with no soul. So I took the CD out of the computer and smashed it, and I felt a bit better. I feel good about it, now... like I've confirmed myself in my decision to give them up, that this is something I want, no just something I'm imposing on myself through willpower alone. It's like giving up smoking was, sort of. When I first tried to give up, it was just willpower... and the moment that flagged I was back into smoking heavily again. But the last time... when I finally gave up for good, there was a willpower element, but there was something else, too. I didn't want to be a smoker anymore, and when my willpower waned a bit and I smoked another cigarette, I found I didn't want another one after that. I just wanted to test what would happen... This must seem very weird. I guess that not many people have actually become addicted to computer games or would describe it as an addiction... or would compare it to something like smoking. I think what makes it qualify as an addiction in my mind is the way it affects time away from it. It becomes like... everything else, even things which in a sense you know you'd rather be doing, becomes a distraction... ah, forget, I don't think I can really explain it. I'm back to being good, that's what matters. :) - Speaking of being good, the wonderful mechy said something interesting to me just the other day. She says she thinks I'm turning wild from listening to too much Dan Bern. (In a bad way). And I thought, you know, it's probably not Dan's fault but I do feel a little wild lately... not wild in the sense of being a "wild and crazy super fun party animal!!!" but more in the sense of being a wild animal as opposed to a tame animal. You know, when domestic animals spend time in the wild, they change, become less trusting of humans, cautious... I think something similar happens to me when I don't have enough contact with other people. You know, when you become fit, it's surprising how rapidly you lose that fitness again if you stop exercising for a week or so... I think maybe something similar happens when you stop socialising. Like your brain decides it doesn't really need those pathways anymore and lets them atrophy... - ...speaking of atrophying brains, I'm just rambling here. I don't think this serves any real purpose. Going back to my book, currently reading "You Shall Know Our Velocity", which so far is interesting... - Merry Christmas and much love to you all! - "The hours are pretty bad" - Fountains of Wayne |
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