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2003-12-27 - 5:54 p.m.

I can't get off this track, this train of thought keeps going round and round my mind... about love and power.


Ok, my little brother has a girlfriend, I don't know how much I've talked about this here before, but she is basically... she is a parasite and she feeds off him. I realise now that it's all of my siblings, as well as me, who are... we are all easily manipulated through our guilt-feelings. I mean, this girl, this vile little bloodsucker, is a completely selfish person. Utterly and unashamedly disinterested in anyone else's welfare. But she demands of him that he should feel bad about anything that affects her... it disgusts me, it really disgusts me to see her using him. And I start to get this horrible paranoid feeling, this angry feeling, like... I start to think that this is the way of the world, selfish people get what they want, while those who've got some softness in them, some compassion, get used and used up and thrown away. I start getting into this self-righteous rage...


But, see, I am selfish too, it's just that I want different things, I have different priorities of want. I want to feel like I am a good, generous, kind, thoughtful person, and so I behave in a way that lets me get all of the good feelings associated with behaving in that way and being seen to behave in that way. That could be described as selfishness too.


The big issue for me is that I want a girlfriend. I'm not going to mince words about it any longer; I'm lonely, I think I have a lot to offer, I think I would be happier in a relationship and I think I could make someone else very happy. I know I could. But this issue of power keeps snagging like a sharp corner on my soft heart...


...see, I think I basically act out my selfishness or what I see as my right to my own... wishes and priorities in terms of my right to walk away. Which is to say, because I hate open conflict, I look for situations where I can get what I want without having to be pushy, without having to be aggressive or defensive or... hard, selfish... without having to be a jerk. And if I find I'm in a situation where I can't get what I want, or I can't get it without having to push and shove and shout, then I don't get upset or make a fuss or rail against the unfairness of it all... I just move on and look somewhere else. See, this works very well in a lot of areas in my life. I have lots of wonderful friends, I get along with everyone that I work with, I'm a good... I'm good company, easy to like, easy to get along with... but. But it doesn't work with romantic relationships. Because walking away makes you a jerk. It's actually necessary to do some pushing and shoving for what you want in order to be part of the relationship, because if you're not standing up for what you want you aren't really engaged in it. It's like... not sure how well this analogy works, but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't complain is like playing a boardgame against someone who isn't trying to win. They make it easy for you to get what you ostensibly want, but in the way that they do it they devalue it to the point that it's not actually worth having.


In any romantic relationship there are going to be power issues. Instead of fantasizing about ways of negating or repressing anything and everything that reminds me of the existence of power, I should be facing up to the reality that... power will be part of my life, regardless of what I do about it, but... also acknowledging that it doesn't ruin everything. My brother's relationship with the parasite isn't ugly because there's a power imbalance in it; it's ugly because the power imbalance is the reason for the relationship.


I don't know... I was having a conversation with papersnow on MSN last night and she said something interesting about charisma, and I've been thinking about charisma all day today. See, there's this thing that some men do, non-assertive men like me, they whine about how nice guys never get the girl, that girls only like jerks. And I know it's not true, but on the other hand, there's enough truth in it that I can understand where the whining is coming from... and it occurred to me today that it has something to do with charisma. That anything is forgiveable to the person with charisma. Some people are selfish and arrogant and demanding and manipulative and I love them all the same, in fact, I love them for their arrogance, and in some other people these same qualities make them overbearing and unpleasant and... repulsive. And the difference is charisma, I think... I came up with this theory as I was walking around, I thought, every person has a kind of... soul, and kind of true form, and when they take on that form then their charisma appears. So, for the person whose true form is boisterous and arrogant and so on, then if they enter into that persona then they will be charismatic in the way that they express their arrogance, because... because that's the way they're meant to be. But when someone else tries to imitate them in the hopes of acquiring all the benefits they see that person enjoying... it doesn't work, it doesn't come off right, it feels forced and seems ugly... and, and, this is the other part of the theory, these is a shy charisma too, there's a charisma for everything... for every type of character, it's just a matter of being true to your soul, your "true form". I can't really explain why that part makes sense to me, but it seems to fit, or something. Hmm.


"In my nightmare everything's wrong

I'm waiting for love, but you come along

You smile, you wave, you kiss me ciao

But you seem too happy to see me somehow

Then the lightning streaks across the room

You smell like something fresh from the tomb

You squeeze too hard, you insisit on kissing

When it seems like half your face is missing

And your hair's turned into reptiles hissing

And I can't wake up

To save my life" - Richard Thompson

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