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how does this help?
2004-01-12 - 1:46 p.m.

I feel depressed, yet, I have no real reason to be depressed. I feel ashamed of being depressed because I have no reason to be depressed. And yet, how I feel is how I feel. I feel paranoid. I hate feeling paranoid. But too many of my friends have all gone away at once, leaving me to my own devices. I need my friends. Without them I feel lonely. I feel very lonely. This is why I'm depressed. Being alone all the time is scary, because you start to think the nobody likes you, that people hate being around you... I mean, these are the normal insecure feelings that everyone gets all the time, but normally I think they get balanced by a continual stream of gentle reminders that people like you and like being around you. Without those reminders then the paranoia tends to build up and spiral out of control, and no amount of reassuring myself as to how wonderful I am can stop it. Just like that movie tagline, what was the film? Nothing Can Stop The Tide? Red Storm Rising, maybe? Whatever.


I'm glad they'll be back soon. No man is an island. Fantasies of independence are dangerous. I am not independent; but I acknowledge how and why I am dependent on other people, which I think puts me ahead of the game. Hrm. Or maybe it doesn't. No-one is really "ahead of the game" in the end, are they? It ends the same way for all of us. Being unhappy and being happy are both part of the game. You just have to bite the bullet, don't you?


My thumbnail hurts. You know how in movies or whatever, they try to characterise female characters as wimpy by making them say, "ooh! I broke a nail!" That really pisses me off. Because anybody would exclaim if they broke a nail. That shit fucking *hurts*, man. And it's irritating for days after, too. Ahem.


"Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get a look at the young" - Billy Joel

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