TITHONUS' DIARY!!


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introspection
2004-03-14 - 12:47 a.m.

Hrm. My sister, my big sister is returning from England tomorrow. Um.

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Uh, I just thought I should say something in response to dangerspouse's comment in my notes. It made me realise... for people who haven't been reading me since the days of the old diary, the last entry, before the picture, may have come as something of a shock... Um.

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See, the thing is, I've always had problems, I mean, I've always had some kind of... buried emotional pain to contend with, and the primary purpose, for me, of having an online diary was to have a forum in which to address those problems. But at the same time... strange as it may seem, but I don't think I'm an unfortunate person or even an unusually unhappy person. I think I'm lucky, very lucky, and generally quite well-adjusted... as close as can be expected to Freud's ideal of "ordinary neurosis". And I think... dangerspouse has misunderstood something about... introspection, or my introspection, at least. Not that I'm blaming him (God knows I do very little to make myself clear here) but... uh, I felt it was important to explain this one. I think... introspection helps me. It makes me aware of my inner pain and so in a way it acts as an agent of that pain but it's not the cause of that pain. I'm grateful for it because without it I'd be... lost, I think.

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My former best friend, this is going back some years now, but the person who was my best friend back then is... uh, I no longer speak to him. But, I think we gravitated toward each other in high school because at some level we recognised in each other that there was some kind of burden being carried around under the surface... anyway, he wasn't the introspective type. For him, the only release that he had for his demons was taking drugs or, more worryingly, periodic explosions of violence. I used to find it exciting to be around him when he became violent, because I think I felt a kind of vicarious thrill in seeing him do things that I too wanted to do when I was at my worst... but those violent tendencies don't have any resolutions built into them. As time went on he went further and further out of control... the bitterness just grew. While I found ways to live with my demons... and not always nice ways, I mean, it was painful at times, it still isn't always easy... but I was slowly able to find a way to live with myself, and he just got angrier and angrier... more and more dependant on drugs and on... controlling people.

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I guess what I really want to say is... I don't feel like I'm a smashed-up ruin of a human being with no hope of ever being redeemed. Far from it; most of the time I feel good, positive, maybe a little frustrated at times with how slowly things are moving, a little impatient that I can't be everything that I want to be, right now. I struggle for motivation with my work, I get swamped in loneliness or I feel a sudden, sharp distance between me and the rest of the human race... but I know that it's not all over.

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But, on the other hand, sometimes I do feel like it's all over. Those black feelings come back, they surprise me by how strong they are, how suddenly they appear, the shocking swiftness with which they undercut all the small victories I've made... and then, for me, this diary is the perfect place to turn for solace. I can write it all out, all the awfulness of it, I can acknowledge how real and how powerful my unhappiness is, without spilling bile on the people close to me who don't deserve it. Um.

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So, in short, I guess what I'm saying is, don't worry about me. I... need this diary as an outlet, I need to be able to put my feelings into words, and in the most forceful and direct way, when I am feeling at my worst... but that doesn't mean I always feel that way. In fact, it's because I put it into words that I don't feel that way all the time. :)

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And, uh, may I recommend dangerspouse's diary to all those who enjoy a good laugh. :)

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"Forget-me-nots forgotten

White roses" - Deborah Conway


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