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2004-04-05 - 1:20 a.m.

I feel stalled in my work. I don't know how to start... I don't want to write, I don't want to read. I need some kind of... something. Which I don't know what it is. The last draft was too quick... I think I don't trust myself to dwell on things. I want to make a series of points, bang! Bang! Bang! And then be done with it. But it doesn't work for something like this... I need to spend time with the ideas, with the people, the interviews, I need to... wait for texture, or something.


Analysis is like a... ripping away of flesh. You strip off everything that is irrelevant, unimportant, peripheral, you get down to the essence, down to the bones. You read a 200 page book and write a two page analysis of it. All the texture, all the setting-up, all the... specifics of it go, you turn it into this summary, this list of bullet points. And the quickness with which you perform this grisly surgery becomes a point of pride. This is what I do without having to even think about, without even trying. I am a reducer.


I guess there's a kind of virtue in it, sometimes. But right now, I need to be something else. I need to be patient. I need to consider things, slowly, pay attention to details without immediately deciding what is or isn't relevant, and I don't know how to do it.


I think today, for the first time, I began to really doubt whether or not I can do this. That's not to say that I am certain that I cannot; not at all. But I am uncertain. It's frightening; if I can't do this... I'm not sure if there's anything else I can do instead.


Time will keep passing, and sooner or later I'll die. And everyone who ever knew me, or knew who I was, will die, and everyone who knew any of them will also die. So it doesn't really matter whether I become a doctor or not, does it? I'm doing this because I believe it's a good way to spend my time. I certainly can't think of anything better... maybe things that I'd rather be doing right now, but not as a way of life...


"I'm looking for a woman with low self-esteem

To lay me out and ease my worried mind

While I'm winding down my dirty life and times" - Warren Zevon

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