New - Archives - Profile - Notes - Email - Design - Diaryland

a day
2004-05-19 - 10:00 p.m.

Today was a day. I don't know if there's anything more to say about it. I'm scared of becoming old. Or, rather, of becoming a certain sort of old person... I hate it when people are precious about their... bah, I don't even know where to start. I hate being in a situation of not being able to speak freely and yet at the same time not being able to "stand on ceremony", if you see what I mean.


Actually, crap. I wanted to write about something but now I remember that I can't talk about uni stuff here, because it's possible that someone who knows who I am is reading this diary. Um. Ok, I don't want to make a big deal of this, because unlike the last one this diary is more or less intended as "public domain", ie, I do exercise some degree of censorship about what goes into it, probably not as much as I would if it were truly intended for consumption by people who know me in real life, nonetheless, it isn't too heavily laden with "secrets". However, there is a privacy issue here. If you know me in real life, I have a pretty strong preference for you not reading this, and if you do read it, then I'd consider it a courtesy for you to let me know who you are and that you're reading it. If you decide to read it without telling me you're reading it, I regard that as being more or less analagous to standing in the street outside my house and looking at me with binoculars. The information obtained in such a way is indeed "public domain", and if I really wanted to stop you from doing it I could "close the curtains", but I like having the curtains open, and either form of "spying" involves a certain degree of discourtesy.


In general terms, though, I gues what I wanted to write about was a kind of sad feeling... there's something about the university at night, the emptiness of the place. I have been there for seven years now, coming up on eight. That's a big part of my life and... I just had this feeling that there must be so much more, "out there", that I am missing out on by being here. Maybe that's just a fantasy of escape, everybody has them from time to time, I'm sure, and things happen in every little corner of the world, here just like any other place. But... I don't know quite how to express this. Under my outer layer of shyness, I am a warm and loving sort of person and I like to be part of a group, although I also like to be able to get away from the group a fair bit... but the university seems awfully cold, sometimes. It's like, everyone's so smart they've figured out elaborate ways of not having to talk to each other or something.


I was thinking as I cycled along pyrmont bridge today, that the people who need boyfriends or girlfriends end up getting them because of that need, and the people who don't get them "miss out" in a sense because they don't have the same depth of need. It doesn't really make sense, does it? All the time I'm playing with jigsaw pieces in my head, trying to fit things together, to make it all work, to make the puzzle come out right. But I can't do it right... you can only make part of it work, and you can only do that by ignoring what's happenning to the rest.


"There's something 'bout a pretty girl on a sweet summer's night

That gets this boy excited" - Bruce Springsteen

Previous / Next