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I've probably written about this before. Oh well.
Back when I was about 14 or 15, and really, really hating school, I used to imagine that I could be hypnotised into being a "good student" for the next 4 years, until school was over, and then "snap out of it" when it was done and wake up "free". Freedom, woo... Well, lately I've been having the same fantasy again. I feel as though this whole PhD business is way, way beyond me, like I'm suffocating under great swathes of paper and there's no way I'm ever going to climb out from under. I just want the blasted thing to be done with, over, finished.
The thing is though, I'm bloody glad it wasn't possible for me to sleepwalk through my teenage years as some kind of hypnotic "good boy". I would have missed out on some of the best things in my life if I had... and I guess the same might be true now. I mean, maybe I would really regret losing these years, these experiences, if I didn't have them... but, christ it's hard. I don't know how to reconcile my need to be "good" with my need to be human. This has always been my problem... I don't know how to work like a human being, I think. "Work" has always been the domain of my "good boy" persona... I am divided against myself in my work. If I could work with my whole being then it wouldn't be half so difficult.
I don't know. I don't even know where to start figuring out how to start...
"Warriors watching their swords and shields rust" - Dan Bern
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