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she bangs
2005-01-26 - 5:07 p.m.

Ah, the joys of the internet cafe. Why do they have music in these places? Wouldn't you think that most of these people are here to process information in one way or another and therefore would be unlikely to welcome the distraction offered by piped music, particularly Ricky Martin and the like?
Oh, right. Today is Australia day, something I forgot about and therefore had the rather interesting experience of walking through the crowded CBD among people waving their Australian flags and other patriotic paraphenalia while wearing a t-shirt proclaiming my allegiance to the great nation of Norway. I'm guessing that nobody noticed or if they did they didn't care, and perhaps this is a sign of the flowering on this special day of that great Australian quality, apathy.
Um. Not that much to report, really. A friend of mine who I thought was one step away from cervical cancer (CIN3 if any of you know what that means) turns out not to be in such dire straits (CIN2) which makes me feel much happier. I've been dwelling a bit on my own illness, which... well, I guess it's kind of necessary. I made a list of things I want to do before I die:
1. Finish my PhD thesis... I believe in the value of what I'm doing, and besides, after 2 years working on this bloody thing I'll be damned if I let it get the better of me.
2. Record an album. I love music, I love making stuff and, you know, I've got a few songs I've written... it's just something I've always wanted to do. I don't care about high-end production or commercial success or any of those things; I just want to have something I can run off copies of on my computer and give to people and say, that's me!
3. Create a computer game. I've always loved games and been fascinated by what makes a good game as opposed to a bad game... it's something I think I could do well and would enjoy and enjoy sharing with other people... for a long time it seemed the work involved would be too arduous for this to be possible, but as the game-authoring tools (like Mark Overmars' "Game Maker") become more sophisticated then making quite complex designs come to life seems more and more accessible...
4. Ditto a boardgame. I play these less often than computer games but I think my love for them is greater... I've actually created a few already, but, I think I can do a lot better and sooner or later intend to do just that.
5. Write a novel. I guess there's kind of a pattern here, isn't there? Whatever I've taken pleasure in consuming, I want to take a turn at creating. I'm not so sure about this one as I used to be... but having written so much academic stuff this seems a lot more plausible now than it once would have.
6. Be sexually promiscuous. As always I have many reservations and fears about this one; there's a strong message in just about any literary examination of promiscuity that it is not the royal road to happiness, and indeed, quite the reverse. And yet, and yet... argh. The desire is there and has been for so long and I wonder why. I mean... In spite of everything, in spite of whatever maturity I might have accumulated over the years, in spite of all the shame and guilt and fear that goes with feeling this way, still, when I think about the end coming sooner than I'd expected then this is what... I can't leave it off the list. I guess, maybe it's because... see, everything else on this list is something that's more or less worthwhile in terms of its usefulness to other people. They are things that I want to do because I want to give something back to some part of the world that has given me a great deal. But this, I guess this is the one thing that I just want, for myself...
When I think of someone, anyone reading these words then I get flooded with shame and I want to cover it up, change it, disguise or delete it. I want to explain it away somehow. And I guess maybe that's why it's the one desire that I've never really done anything much about fulfilling. I remember reading something that some spiritual leader said about members of his cult sleeping with each other; it was something like, if you want to sleep around, go ahead, get it out of the way so you can get on with the real business of life. Maybe that's what's... you know, everything else that I really wanted to do I've already done or I'm already making good progress toward and I don't fret about... but because of the shame that comes with this one then I can't move, I'm blocked, and so I'm still dealing with it in the same way I did at fifteen... as a sexual being I haven't grown up. In all these other areas of my life I'm an adult, but in this one area I stopped moving a long time ago...
And, I guess, number 7 on the list is, I want to fall in love and get married and have children... but I don't think there's enough time. If I could have a son or a daughter and have the time to be a real father to them I think I would give up all those other things in a flash. But... I don't know. I don't think there's time. Part of being a father is being a provider; I might have the beginning of a real income in another 2 or 3 years; in 10 my health may already be failing and I'll have to give it up. I know that's the worst case scenario but it's there, I mean, it's a reality that I have to face. Yeah. Um. Well, on that rather cheerful note, I might end this.
"What a new-found friend is honesty" - Richard Thompson

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