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2010-01-03 - 4:20 p.m.

I saw Cinnamon yesterday, bizzarely, randomly. It was kind of nice, a bracing shock in a numb day, but it also made me feel a little sad and nostalgic for a time when... I would fall head over heels for a girl and then turn my life upside down just for a chance to be near her. Not necessarily a good way to live - scratch that, pretty much definitely a bad way to live - but it did make for a lot of excitement, of one kind or another.
At present I feel I'm tied up in one of those knots - you know those knots? If you get a bit of string and tie it round and round, and add knots on top of knots, in a big random convoluted mess, and then pull it really tight... well, it's not like it can't ever be undone. But it's always, you start picking at one bit of the knot and then you realise, fuck, this isn't going to go anywhere unless I undo that other bit first... and so on down the line. Picking at a knot is a slow business. You know it's going to come undone eventually. But you have to keep pick-pick-picking away at it in order to get there. So, here I am, studying for a qualification (as if I need more of the damn things!) that will allow me to get a kind of work which will, hopefully, allow me to get out of the cycle of over-and-under employment I've been riding for the last couple of years... and I can sort of see how doing this part will help with the next part and whatnot... but it's just so damn slow. Like playing the piano.
Ever noticed how I like metaphors? Yeah, me too. Anyway. With something like a mathematics problem, if you understand it, you can do it. Being able to understand the problem, solves the problem. But with the piano, understanding means you're ready to start working on it. Then you have to actually *do* it, and however well you understand it, it doesn't save you any of the slow, repetitive work of doing it, badly, and then trying to do it better, and so on.
I guess that's how I feel at the moment. I'm tied in a knot. I think I know how to get out of it - or most of it. But pick pick pick picking away patiently is kind of dull. I kind of miss believing that some wild anarchic leap into the unknown would solve my problems for me. Maybe, sometimes, it helps. It gives you a new perspective on some stuff. It shows you that things you thought were unchangeable, are, well, changeable. But no matter how hard you leap, you're going to carry a lot of stuff with you, unless you unpick some of those knots.

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