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2010-01-06 - 11:06 p.m.

I think today was a bad day... not sure, though. I wasted most of it, which made me feel sad, and then I went for a walk, which was nice, and saw beautiful flowers scattered on the ground, and I thought about how people need to have time to waste in order to be happy, how miserable it must be to be so important that you can't waste anything, what a shame to work so hard and then die... I thought about whether or not giving up on love means giving up on life, on whether one can give up on certain kinds of love, and I thought about the despair that you get from thinking you know how things are, and how hard it is to get out of the trap of thinking that once you know a few things. Meeting new people is always a little scary, and you can take the edge off that fear by convincing yourself they're all just versions of people you know already, that you already know it all, but the price you pay for that dulled fear is the lost possibility of really seeing something new, that moment of surprise as David Steindl-Rast calls it...
I think in some ways wasting time is my favourite thing to do, or one of my favourites. But there's an art to doing it properly. Today was a bad day because I didn't waste my time well; I hope to waste it much better the next time I have some to waste.

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