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apologies &c
2004-03-25 - 7:32 p.m.

Uh, sorry about those last two entries. It was just curiosity, I didn't really have a point to make.


Actually, I sort of did. It's about ethics... we're trained, I think, to answer those sorts of questions in a particular way. "We" I guess broadly meaning middle-class people in the western world. There may be others... anyway. Ethics. Ethics is the art of not paying any attention. Ethics is crap. I hate ethics. This is what my thesis is about, kind of. But... basically, "being good" is about learning a certain kind of alienation from yourself. You answer these questions as though... they were just an exercise in logic. Um. What I mean is, you're trained to regard questions about your response to other human beings or to the natural world as though they were logic problems. And then you're told that the way to be a good person is to apply that same approach to your real life. But if you actually do that, you will make yourself and the other people around you very unhappy. Nobody will want to be around you. You'll be a wet blanket or a self-righteous prig or somesuch. You'll be like the fifteen year old version of me, before I started taking drugs.


And thank fucking christ I did! Marijuana did me a bloody world of good because it allowed me to connect with my own feelings which allowed me to connect with other people which allowed me to actually respond to them. "Responsibility" as it's normally understood is actually the opposite of responding. "Being responsible" means behaving in a way that is beyond reproach, ie, following some set of rules or principles about what's "right" and ignoring your own feelings, instincts, embodied desire and disgust, so that you won't have to respond to specific situations at all.


I'm ranting. I'm feeling... some kind of feeling of late. Some kind of strong feeling. Like unrest or something. Like when I was a kid and they made me sit in an uncomfortable chair for too long and I started squirming and they'd tell me to stop squirming. There's something that I want but I don't know how to articulate what it is because I think it's something I've never had.


By the way, forgot to mention I saw Chris Smither play live on the weekend, he was fucking amazing. If you ever get the chance, do go see him. IMHO, he's up there with Dylan and Cohen and Mitchell and Thompson, but unlike them, he's not massively famous so you'll be able to see him in a small, intimate venue where you'll be only a couple of metres away and he'll sign CDs and even shake your hand if you're lucky. Yeah.


"You can be a gambler

Who never drew a hand

You can be a sailor

Who never left dry land

You can be Lord Jesus

All the world will understand

Down where the drunkards roll" - Richard Thompson

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