TITHONUS' DIARY!!
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I forgot You know what I forgot to say in my last post? THANKYOU! Thankyou so much to all of you for your thoughts and notes and guestbook messages and cyberhugs and whatnot - it really has made me feel a lot better and helped me get through this little adjustment period. - I feel as though... I don't want to become Woody Allen, you know, which movie is it in? Where he thinks he's got a brain tumor and all he can do is panic about his health. So... I know with a little time I'll get used to the idea that there's something wrong with my kidneys, I'll figure out all the things I need to do in order to protect them and I'll do those things and that'll be in. I expect that's how it works, anyway. And I'm cool with that, you know, I don't mind giving up salt and being fastidious about daily exercise and taking tablets to lower my blood pressure and all that... but... I'm not there yet and I guess I keep expecting myself to already be there and then finding that I'm not. And I want to get there by pretending that I'm already there... I guess this is what I always do when I get an emotional shock... I close in, act like I'm not shocked, and with enough time then the pretence becomes true. I wonder, though, if that's really a good way to deal with my feelings... if they're always deferred until they go away, then... that sort of makes me dead to them, doesn't it? - I'm scared that I've become so lazy that I'll never be able to work hard again. Hmm. Hmmm. Ah well. The world will make of me what it makes of everyone; dust. - "I went to see a friend tonight It was very late when I walked in My talking as it rambled Revealed suspicious reasoning The visit seemed to darken him I came in as bright as a neon light And I burned out right there before him I told him these things I'm telling you now Watched them buckle up in his brow When you dig down deep You lose good sleep And it makes you heavy company" - Joni Mitchell |
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