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I forgot
2004-08-03 - 11:54 p.m.

You know what I forgot to say in my last post? THANKYOU! Thankyou so much to all of you for your thoughts and notes and guestbook messages and cyberhugs and whatnot - it really has made me feel a lot better and helped me get through this little adjustment period.


I feel as though... I don't want to become Woody Allen, you know, which movie is it in? Where he thinks he's got a brain tumor and all he can do is panic about his health. So... I know with a little time I'll get used to the idea that there's something wrong with my kidneys, I'll figure out all the things I need to do in order to protect them and I'll do those things and that'll be in. I expect that's how it works, anyway. And I'm cool with that, you know, I don't mind giving up salt and being fastidious about daily exercise and taking tablets to lower my blood pressure and all that... but... I'm not there yet and I guess I keep expecting myself to already be there and then finding that I'm not. And I want to get there by pretending that I'm already there... I guess this is what I always do when I get an emotional shock... I close in, act like I'm not shocked, and with enough time then the pretence becomes true. I wonder, though, if that's really a good way to deal with my feelings... if they're always deferred until they go away, then... that sort of makes me dead to them, doesn't it?


I'm scared that I've become so lazy that I'll never be able to work hard again. Hmm. Hmmm. Ah well. The world will make of me what it makes of everyone; dust.


"I went to see a friend tonight

It was very late when I walked in

My talking as it rambled

Revealed suspicious reasoning

The visit seemed to darken him

I came in as bright as a neon light

And I burned out right there before him

I told him these things I'm telling you now

Watched them buckle up in his brow

When you dig down deep

You lose good sleep

And it makes you heavy company" - Joni Mitchell

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